Am I back? Could someone please confirm it for me- Am I really here, this isn't a dream? Yes, I'm definately back. And this isn't a dream, it's a nightmare (saw that literal development a mile off didn't you?).

Nothing I can say can make up for my behavior, I don't know the point of even trying... How many times- How many times am I going to do this?! Why am I such an insensitive selfish moron?! Why... Why do I even try?

I am not going to commit suicide- So no need for condolence, I don't deserve it, I never have...

This journal is a standing reminder of how many times I've broken promises- I hide the earliest entries because I am too ashamed to even think of them... Did I know this was going to happen, did I know it was happening? Yes, yes I most certainly did. Then why didn't I come back sooner? Because the longer I stayed away the harder it became to come back...

I haven't been away from home, deprived of the internet. I have not joined a monastary or been in the WPP. There has not been a major family crisis or a natural disaster where I live.

But I have been away. Away from DA and FA. For almost 2 months.

Excuses? To be entirely truthful, yes I was overwhelmed in the first weeks of June. But then my life became a perpetual sequence of personal indulgence. Well, sort of.

The longer I kept myself from these sites, the harder I knew it was going to be to return- Another horrendously shameful thing is that part of me wished that I could have reached a point of no return and cut myself off from these artist communities forever... Just so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain of coming back... But I couldn't, the tiniest confort I pull from this experience is that I never gave up the internal battle I underwent constantly to return. It shows to me at least that this place and the wonderful people I've encountered, and the relationships I've observed in art and people have kept me tethered, however loosely, to the site. It shows to me that I still care about them, when I look in the mirror and see a heartless, cold-blooded reptile, when the image becomes so real and I hate myself so much for it... I am able to confirm that I do care, I'm able to discover and to convince myself that I'm not all bad. That I'm able to get up and take into my grasp that responsibility that I thought impossible to handle. Just because of the smallest support of my friends here, that's all it took, that support could translate into a feeling I was able to consciously identify and consciously desire and so I knew I was not without hope. I thank everyone who has given me support on this site. I thank you all so much for keeping me human.

Even if that human was a monster once...

Time and again I told myself,'today's the day,' 'this weekend is when I'll do it,' 'I'll do it by Friday,' 'by Independence Day,' 'when I finish Boltro's fanart,'and time and again the deadline passed and I failed to pluck up the courage to venture a comeback. I'm a coward, a despicable coward. But you all already knew that. My journal remains a chronology of my deepest failures, my broken promises, my worthless words...

I must apologize though, even if I know it'll mean nothing and make no comfort in the one's I have wronged...

I'm sorry, first of all, Cyberfox, who has waited now for more than a year to see DNWFAAH to its finish. That story remains a mountain I must conquer, and the expedition is one I am deeply doubtful of... But it is one I plan to undergo, it is one I plan to eventually succeed and I want it to be the best, most epic ending I've ever written. To be truthful I DID have a miraculous brainstorm on the story just recently and made the first progress in months on the unfinished sequence. That's at least a little bit of good...

Next I must give my most sincere apology to a very important person to me. Someone I may have just met recently and have already let down hugely... Boltro, I'm sorry I vanished without so much as a word. I am so sorry. My work for you has been an obsession though- I worked very hard on producing the fanart I promised so long ago. 17 pieces, that's how many pictures I've produced for you, that's not including the seven I posted on FA already. An additional 17 pieces! I only hope that at least some of them will make you smile...

To all the rest of the people awaiting requests I am very sorry, to everyone I've neglected I am very sorry.

I have deep shame for what I've done. Stupid! Stupid! STUPID! I don't deserve a place like this to showcase my work! I don't deserve friends like this who've made me feel so good with their support!

This is not my place to dream! This is not my place to create!


...Sorry.

I am so sorry. For everything...

All I can hope for is a better future. For everyone who deserves it- That would be, everyone but me.


With all the compassion in my worthless heart,

-Koopus